Decisions: How Much Choice Do You Really Have?

“47% of Britons say that when it comes to giving women equal rights with men, things have gone far enough.”

— Statistics from UK data in a global study conducted in 31 countries by Ipsos in collaboration with the Global Institute for Women’s Leadership at King’s College London. 

Needless to say, I had many reasons for vehemently disagreeing and shared my thoughts as spooky facts on Halloween. The comments, however, quickly filled with a barrage of statistics about men. But can both sets of statistics be true without one needing to negate the other? I believe so—holding opposing views is a critical part of our internal decision-making process. 

Who’s Speaking For You? 

Dr Hal Stone and Dr Sidra Stone are exceptional psychologists; sadly Hal passed away in 2020. They were the originators of the Voice Dialogue methodology and the Psychology of Selves. I was lucky enough to train under the instruction of Annie Stoker in 2021/2022, who worked with them along with Michael Rowland for ten years. I want to be clear that Voice Dialogue is not the only access point to understanding selves, there are other modalities too, such as Shirzad Chamine’s Positive Intelligence, Gabor Maté’s Compassionate Inquiry methodology, and Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems. Eckhart Tolle himself, plus many others, speak of these discrete ‘selves’ within us. It is my deepest wish that you, too, find an access point as resonant as I did. 

Essentially, most people hear different voices or ‘selves’ in their heads. This is perfectly normal. We move seamlessly between these modes every day, and we use this terminology in everyday life. One self says, ‘Go for a walk at lunchtime,’ and another self says, ‘You must sit at your desk with lunch and go through your email inbox before it gets completely out of control.’ The voice that’s strongest usually dictates our actions. These voices form our Primary Self System—typically a collection of 4-6 dominant voices, such as: 

• The Pusher

  – the high achieving self that is ambitious and always busy with a long list of things to do. 

• The Pleaser

  – the self that wants everyone to be happy with you and places a lot of weight on what people and thinking and saying about you. 

• The Perfectionist

  – has very high standards and expectations of you. 

• The Inner Critic 

  – compares you unfavourably to others and makes you feel ‘less than’. 

• The Protector/Controller

  – wants to keep you safe by being in control and certain of the outcomes 

• The Rulemaker

  – intolerant and wants everyone to behave according to the ‘rules’. 

• The Rational Mind

  – thinks and reasons logically with no access to emotions or feelings. 

Most Decisions Aren’t Choices at All 

Each time we make a decision, we’re often acting from these primary selves. If you’ve grown up as a high achiever, for example, relying heavily on mental reasoning and problem-solving, primary selves like The Rational Mind, The Pusher, or The Perfectionist tend to influence your choices. They might encourage you to buy books, invest time, energy, and money into self-improvement, and value those with similar traits. When they encounter someone with opposing traits, they may judge them as lazy or, in some cases, feel an attraction because that person embodies energies they lack. 

Imagine growing up in a family that’s very cautious about spending money and dislikes taking risks. In rebellion, you might become someone who loves spending, travelling, and taking risks. This difference in primary selves will lead you to make choices distinctly unlike those of your family. 

Embracing the Opposites 

In decision-making, the challenge lies in hearing the voice of the disowned self, the one that holds the opposite view. If you’re deeply identified with a primary self like The Pleaser, you’ll likely make decisions to keep others happy, behave kindly, and avoid conflict. The stronger your attachment to The Pleaser, the harder it becomes to hear the voice of “What About Me?” 

But this isn’t about switching from Pleaser to “What About Me”—that would only mean swinging entirely to the opposite viewpoint. It’s about balancing both ends of the spectrum, holding the tension between conflicting views, and making a decision from a place of full, conscious awareness—a position of true choice.  

Remember, knowledge belongs to the primary self-system. But wisdom lies in the middle ground, in the willingness to “not know,” and the openness to feel as well as understand both sides of the decision-making process. 

Wouldn’t the world be an entirely different place if everyone did this? 

Keep opening up, 
Hannah 

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