I’ve known I needed to speak up about something for the last 3 weeks, but my Pleaser silenced me. I was trying to be overly accommodating to avoid a potential fallout.

This is the tension between integrity vs safety.

Integrity = acting in alignment with what you know is true, fair, and right for you.
Safety = maintaining connection, approval, belonging, and emotional stability in the relationship.

If I choose integrity, I risk losing safety.

That’s when internal negotiation begins:

• “Maybe it’s not that big a deal…”
• “Maybe I’m overreacting…”
• “Maybe just go along with it for an easy life…”

Not because those are true, but because my Pleaser was trying to avoid a negative consequence.
It’s not weakness, it’s a strategy that at one time in my life worked but now it comes at the cost of my personal truth and integrity.

So, the real question became, “Am I willing to risk relational discomfort to stay aligned with myself?”

This is the difference between being nice vs being kind.

• Being nice avoids rejection.
• Being kind is towards integrity and connection.

The Pleaser says. “I can’t tell the truth. That’s not nice.”
Being kind says, “I care enough about you to tell the truth.”

So, I decided to stop being nice at the expense of being real. I chose kindness.

Watch a short clip about nice vs kind on my LinkedIn post here 👀

One question

Where am I choosing being nice over being kind to avoid discomfort?